Mindless

[Papa Tiger]

A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. "Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck."

When she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"
"Simple", replied the Priest...
"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"
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[Papa Tiger]

 

[Papa Tiger]

An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his. They had not seen each other for many years so they had much to talk about and many old memories to renew. After some time, one said to the other, "If you don't mind my saying so, you don't look very good, you must have experienced some bad luck".

"Yes," the other one said, "I have. You see this peg leg? Well, one day I was out on deck and my leg become dangled up in a loose line and it was so badly mangled that they had to take it off at the knee." His friend agreed that was bad luck. The other one continued. "You see I have a hook for a hand. One day I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in a attempt to rescue him and as I extended my hand to him a shark took my hand off."

"My, you really did experience bad luck, the other responded, I see you have a patch over one eye, what happened to your eye?" "Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over, unloaded, and got me right in the eye."

"Did that take your eye out? No, that was the first day I had my hook."
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[Papa Tiger]

A Ford pick-up drove up to a rancher who was sitting on his front porch in a rocking chair along with his dog. Parked out front was a Chevy pick-up. Happens the Ford pick-up driver was also a ventriloquist and, not having a whole lot of respect for Chevy drivers, he thought he'd mess with this Chevy Boy's mind a little.

The Ford driver gets out and says to the dog, not the Chevy driver "Hey, dog. Mind if I speak to this Chevy driver here?" Chevy driver: "That dog don't talk!" Ford driver: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doing' alright."

ford driver: "Is this your owner? " Dog: "Yep." Ford driver: "How's he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food." Ford driver to the Chevy driver: "Mind if I talk to your horse over there?" Chevy driver: "Horses don't talk!" Ford driver calls out: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool." Ford driver: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at Chevy driver). Horse: "Yep."

Ford driver: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regular, brushes me down often." Ford driver to the Chevy driver: "Mind if I talk to one of those sheep?"

Chevy driver: "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars !"
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[Papa Tiger]

Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year, you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again."
Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm taking Marie with me."
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[Papa Tiger]

Morry has a dream about #7. He wakes up & looks at his smart phone: it's 7:07. He looked at the calendar: July 7, 2017. Decided it was a sign as he gets on City Trans # 77 Buss
Morry arrives at the track, put $ 7777 on the horse 077 in the 7th race. Jolly Lolly, a Stable repeat comes in seventh.
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There is a test for Selflessness & Selfishness. Greedy or ungreedy. Never happy with what you have, always need more or satisfied, contented and more or less ok. How you score on the 7 self-questions decides. You may be a giver / sharer or a Narcissist. Later in life, Angry, hate filled, loather of your life. Or poor, alone and unhappy. Greasy, Slimy, doesn't count.
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Part way into the meal one cannibal said to the other, "this is great!, what do you think?"
The other replied, "I'm having a ball!" The first cannibal shouted, "Hey!,.. don't eat so fast!"
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[Papa Tiger]

Granma's place! ↑

 

[Papa Tiger]

A sucessful business man became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch in the middle of nowhere in Montana. After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming of hoofbeats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse.

"Hold it neighbor" the man says, " I'm your neighbor, I have a ranch only six miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting.... We'll have a great time".

Not wanting to be unneighborly the new rancher lowers the rifle and ask's " How should I dress?"
" Aw, don't matter" replied the neighbor, " Only gonna be the two of us".
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[Papa Tiger]

A guy meets a beautiful girl and decides he wants to marry her right away, she said, "But we don't know anything about each other. He said, "Thats all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So, she consents, and they are married and go on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning they were laying by the pool when he got off his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, followed by three rotations in a jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No." she said, "I'm a hooker & Work both sides of the Mississippi River!"
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[Papa Tiger]

When you walk into a Bar never test the depth with both feet first.
Never let It be known that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others in the Bar.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help in a Bar.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments, then go to the Bar.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else in the Bar.
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The not do Rules of being in the Bar.
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Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either; just Get Out Of
My way and leave me alone!

MY TENT DIDN'T WASH AWAY WITH THE STORM,
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[Papa Tiger]

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved, I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money-fifty thousand dollars! Andy said, we've got to give it back. Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No." Andy said, "She's lying, She hid it up in the attic." Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile!"

The LEO turn to Andy and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning." Andy says, "When Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday." .... The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're out of here!"
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[Papa Tiger]

Two retired Old Professors are sitting in rocking chairs on the veranda at the assisted living complex one summer evening, watching the sun set. How could you expect more here!
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The child's mother wouldn't let me hold her baby the other day. She said, "Your too drunk!" Sure, I wasn't interested in the Baby!
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They grew old and Rickety. ... The Couple couldn't do the things of the past. You know where this is going don't you! Yep, they got a Jacuzzi! Those old bodies are gaining subtility! ... (The middle area between love and loathing ness.) The irony of all that is by the time you are old enough to know your way around, you're most likely not going anywhere.
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[Papa Tiger]

Tom's on a plane, trying to complete his crossword puzzle but something wasn’t adding up. “Four-letter words describe a female, ending in UNT,” he says to himself out loud. A Passenger next seat over hears Toms comment. “Try ‘aunt.” “That makes sense," says Tom. "Do you have an eraser?”
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Anonymous persons apply online for the latest magazine info about large *****es. "Do you have anything about Men with Big *****?" They again receive messages of "decline to reply about any book or magazine about abnormally large *****."

These hot Chicks will not give up the quest to find enormous ***** reference manuals.
Finally, a Member of the Horny receives a reply.

"I'm not sure if it's in yet." "That's the one, we will take it!"
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The used car market is hit hard by the economic reality. Interest rates are going glacier on sales because no one can handle a 10% APR. So, the no Cash down, U buy it, Used Car, "U Drive it off the Lot" begins the magnanimous of all things sales policy. Used car salesperson to customer: " Buy that car with zero down and zero Interest per month. _______________________________________________
[For how many months?]


Blessed are those of the World, who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
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[Papa Tiger]

 

[Papa Tiger]

You might be a redneck if...When your wife walks in front of you wearing what looks like a gunny sack. Your only excuse for smelling bad is it runs in the family. Your favorite fruit is fried chicken.

At least one of the kitchen appliances on your front porch is more than forty years old.
You've ever used a hangnail or a plastic straw from a big gulp as a toothpick.

Your waiter brings the steak you've ordered with his thumb over the meat. "Are you crazy?" you yelled, "Your hands on my steak?" "What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
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"You have the inheriting capability to screw everything up."
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Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast.
Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said, "Bring me my red shirt."
He ordered the man at the wheel to head straight for the pirate ship.

In the ensuing fight, the pirate ship was Boarded and Captured. The sailors asked Captain why he had wanted to wear his red shirt at the battle. "If I was wounded, I did not want your confidence to wane. You would keep fighting no matter what happened to me."

The crew swore allegiance to their captain, and they talked about his bravery. Soon there loomed on the horizon 10 pirate ships. Calmly, Captain Smith said, "Number One fetch me the brown pants!"
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Bob carries his lil dog into the bar, places his dog on the stool next to him. The bartender says, "Sorry, Bob, no dogs allowed." " He's a special dog – he plays the piano!" The bartender replies,
"Well, let him play for us, you can both stay... and have a drink on the house!" So, the Lil Dog is on the stool and starts playing. Blues & rock 'n' roll. The bartender and patrons are Dancing and Clapping! Much liquor consumed! Suddenly, a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck and drags him out. The bartender really angry asks Bob, "what the Hell?"

"Oh, that was his mother. She wants him to be a doctor."
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