Mindless

[Papa Tiger]

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Cosmo. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor." So, Joey deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Cosmo.
He deposits ten dollars, the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Cosmo.."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joey began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joey hurries to Cosmo, eager to find out if it can be fooled...He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

"Thank you for shopping @ Cosmo "
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Sponsored

 

[Papa Tiger]

Turtle crosses the road & meets up with Snail. turtle ticks' Snail off and a Snail-Turtle brawl ensues. Later the LEO patrol comes along and sees Turtle. Turtles lying there on the white line, a mess. LEO asks Turtle, "what happened," & Turtle says, "It all happened so fast!"
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We all know most all Lady Bartenders are Hotties! So, what's the Difference between a Hottie Barmaid and a Proctologist? The hotties attend to all the A-holes while the Dr.'s do em one at a time.
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TELL ME MORE; TELL ME MORE

Big and Lil Fat Guy play Blues with each other for many years in a basement. One day Big Passes and Lil Fat Guy feels hard for the Loss. A few weeks pass and Lil Fat Guy hears Vocals and music in the Basement. An Bigs voice says, " Hey Lil Fat's I'm here in heaven with all our past away Buddies Jamming. So. Lil Fat's says, "TELL ME MORE, TELL ME MORE"
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An Big says, "Jesus is great but his Dad's girlfriend thinks she can sing!"

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I can't wait till I get to stock the Meat & Cheese section in the cooler bays. .....
"Don't you use Rats for these dangerous experiments," They are asked.
"Yeah, but you know how we get very attached to our rats!"
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What can one say about the new owners? Know it all before it happened?
Painting the indoors of your house is just a couple of weeks of hell in there!

The fireworks pounded hard in the Valley that 4th of July. All the Roads were closed, marked with Barriers & signs. Let's go soak in our Jacuzzi and do a bottle of wine! ..... ( twss ) .....
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[Papa Tiger]

"What's so great about a sunny evening sunset. Everyone is in a big hurry to go home?"
You say while sitting under the canopy and waiting for the BBQ to heat up!
Let's fix a couple NY strip steaks! ... twss
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I didn't say I quit, I said I won't & I love price stickers on stuff!
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Grampa is very old. After some time, Grandpa imagines the good old days
and people all around him. ↑ ↑ ... Stimulations be danged ! .....
Grandpa said, "I just thought of something unimportant."
"What is the difference between a Pig and a Fox? Around 4 drinks."
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The Flea is sunbathing on a Florida Beach. His friend comes along all beat up and stuff.
The Flea tells him to sit on the Beaches porta potty. The Flea is sunbathing on a Florida Beach.
His friend comes along again all beat up. "I did as you said, the next thing I know
I'm riding a motorcycle in a Bikers Beard."
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What's the most told lie. Your check is in the mail.
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I Could really use an invisible force shield for self-protection. Touch the tip of the cap and I am protected from the hotties I meet immediately. I am still respectful cause I nod the brim to them Hotties. That's a useful thought.
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I can't wait for the Field Tractors to come with Technology so I can goof off and still get stuff done with the Field Tractors. You know a fake GPS badge so I can leave my real one in my Tractors and leave the field while the Field Tractors can get some work done & Me under a shady spot enjoying a cold brew. ...
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[Papa Tiger]

Joesef jumps out of his window and heads to the local church. He grabs the statue of Mary, rolls it up in a blanket, rushes back home and shoves it under his bed. He then writes the letter. "Dear God, I really want a new BMX bike! If you want to see your mother again......?"
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THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female......Any part under a car's hood.
.Thingy .... (Male) ... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
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The Blonde is at the Job interview, goes thru the usual and then is asked, "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES". She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm - wait, .. 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?" After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Thirty two." The interviewer is stunned and asks her: "Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?"
She starts singing the theme song,
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"Da Da Dah Dahhh Dah Dah Da Da Dah Dahh Dah Dah ..."

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Have you ever decided you done bit off more than you can chew?? Created a job that is bigger than you are?
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A young Woman is at the soda machine in Vegas. She arrived there just before a businessman coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke. As she was reaching into her purse again, the businessman, who'd been waiting patiently all this time, says, "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"
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My first Car.
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No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato & You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
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Grandma's a great Cookie maker but Grandpa smells funny!
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I hit 100,000 in my Mizz Whitty, White 2011 F150 on a Clover leaf. Had to wait a mile or so to take a picture due to traffic on the clover leaf.
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They take the Transit Van to the huge national park, put on their hiking gear and set out to conquer the huge mountain many miles distant. Reaching the base takes several days so they set up base camp, rest up and a couple days later climb to the summit. on the way back to base camp several are injured, and it takes some time to get to base camp. After a week or so they feel rested enough to return to the Transit but leave the camp due to exhaustion, pain and injury. 4 days later they get to the Transit Van to realize he had left the keys in the bag at the base camp. Blond yells, "Anybody bring a Coat Hanger?"
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[Papa Tiger]

The Chief introduces me to his wife, "This is four horses". I replied, "Wow, what a beautiful name, what does it mean?". He said, " nag, nag, nag, nag!"
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[KoBear]

Saw this on the way home yesterday. Didn’t know where else to post it.

 

[Papa Tiger]

I once got into a ground nest of Yellow Jackets. There I was hurrying away like fast pulling them off of me. It hurt like hell, the pain, Oh the pain! Early the next morning took the battery Vacuum out to their hole. Turned it on and sucked all those suckers into it. After a while the battery went
low and it shut off. So, I waited and mid-morning I went out, saw it needed cleaning. Hundreds of them critters in there. So I waited all afternoon. Soon as I started taking that thing apart, the pain, Oh the pain.
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The Cotton seeds: Their natures pesticide. May be toxic if too much is ingested. It’s a lil - bit is good, but more can be harmful. Have I told you the story about using a battery powered vacuum to rid a yellow jackets bees' nest in the ground? Instead of spraying it with pesticide. Pain, oh the pain!
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Did you hear about the blonde couple that was found frozen to death? They're in their car at the drive-in movie theater? They apparently went to see "Closed For the Winter."
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The teacher, Miss Ruth is asking her students about their family habits. Marcy raised her hand and when called on says, "I say a prayer every night before we eat dinner." Miss Ruth. Bobby's hand go up and so she ask him, "What about you, Bobby, do you say a prayer every night before dinner, too?" "Heck no Miss Ruth, I don't have to." ... " My mother's a really good cook!" ... ...
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Was like one of those days ?
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Three young hotties go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first hottie, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch, nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law; I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her. The Bodacious blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell y'all right now, y'all ain't going to electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in." .....
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Is there an intelligent answer to, "I this a waste of time?" Sure: Cover up the Question with a Sticky!
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[Rusty PW]

I've used a shop vac to suck up yellow jackets, hornets, wasps, bees, and stink bugs. Leave it running when you are done sucking up the pests and spray a good shot of wasp and hornet killer in the hose. Wait a few minutes and they are dead.

Did this once using my wifey's Dyson. She wasn't happy. But it worked.

 

[Papa Tiger]

You are a complete, harmoniously perfect, ingenious supreme masterpiece of God, sensually delicate fragile beauty. I can look at you forever and admire every second, I am exhausted from love and excitement.

Your skin shines with the light of love is pure as the first snow covered with ruddy, your eyes glow with blue fire of lust, hair the color of a romantic dawn, flowers bloom from your beauty, your soul fills with happiness.

You sound like a heavenly harp, sing angelic voices about your supreme beauty, surrounded by white doves, on a bed you are like a most sexy angel on a cloud.” __________

JUST KIDDING!
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[Papa Tiger]

I wanted to sense that new truck "feel" before it becomes a used truck. The salesperson, a nice-looking young woman sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.

The seats were of particular interest. She explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with her, I mentioned that this must be a CONSERVATIVE truck.

Looking a bit angry, she asked why I thought it was a CONSERVATIVE truck. "I explained that if it were a LIBERAL truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your butt year-round!" I had to walk back to the dealership, but it was worth it.
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[Papa Tiger]

There does not appear to be a communication problem today!

 

[Papa Tiger]

Bob's, pulls over for speeding on the turnpike. LEO asks for Bob's license and says, "You don't even look like you have a job!" I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!" Bob answers, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!" The cop leans in the window, smelling Bob and says,
"What kind of job would a bum like you have?" "I'm a rectum stretcher!" replies Bob. "What did you say, boy?" asks the patrolman. "I'm a rectum stretcher!" The cop, scratching his head, asks, "What does a rectum stretcher do?" Bob explains, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched,
so, I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asks, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot Rectum?" Bob says, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!"
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[Papa Tiger]

A Couple is about to marry and asks their grandparents how often a married couple should make love. The elders say, "When we were first get married, we wanted it all the time, maybe several times a day; later on, maybe once a week. As we aged thru the years, we would make love maybe once a month. When we got to here, we are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on our anniversary." "Well; How about you and Grandma now, " they ask. "Oh, she goes into her bedroom, I go into mine."
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Goodnight Jane, Good night, Dick!
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[Papa Tiger]

Are you perplexed by the question ?

Induction is when you add a duck into the pond.
Deduction is when you take a duck out of the pond.

 

[Papa Tiger]

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