Humor

[Papa Tiger]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then...." He sighed........ "Let's just put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."
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[Papa Tiger]

An old farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the......"

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!'?" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well... as I was saying', I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was drivin' her down the highway when this huge semi ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurtin' real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Real soon a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning' and groaning', too. So, he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are YOU feeling?'

Now what the heck would you say?"
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[DarthAWM]

A magician get a job on a cruise ship. All starts off well except the captain is in the front row with his parrot at every show. After a few shows the parrot gets bored and starts heckling the magician. "Rawk, his assistant has it." "Rawk, there's mirror under the table" "Rawk, the box has a false bottom" the second night after the heckling starts the ship hits an iceberg and sinks, the magician wakes up floating on a door with the parrot clinging to the other side. The just glare at each other for 2 days. On the third day the parrot finally say "All right, I give, where's the damn boat?"

 

[Papa Tiger]

 

[Papa Tiger]

 

[Papa Tiger]

You were there when I needed you!

 

[Papa Tiger]

After enduring many minutes on being berated, wife stared at him. Karen, the wife says, ‘What in the world is wrong with you?
il Johnny calmly replied, "I just wanted to tell you what it feels like when I'm driving."
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Later Lil Johnny wants to take Karen out for dinner but it's raining hard, he doesn't want to carry the Umbrella and get hit lightning.!
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Lil Johnny says, "Ya get what ya deserve." Karen says, "not tonight you don't!" ... twss
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Bob and Toby open a Frozen yogurt stand. Bob is in charge of Hiring the Girls to tend the drive thru.
Toby's actionably unimportant to their business. Days go past, evenings fled, the Hotties congregate
and the Guys hang around. One day a Billionaire says, "I like your business." "Can I buy it" and the
Hotties screamed," yes!"
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The new owner and CEO takes over at a struggling social media. Feeling pretty good about himself,
the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what happening here?"
From across the room "You need to treat us better. After being told to be nicer he reacts by firing them.
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If Cain and Able were Siamese twins, would they be Cable?
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Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
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Lawyer marries a woman & on their wedding night, she tells her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” says the guy. “How can that be in these modern times. "Well My husband I have been lonely since my early teens." "Thats an amazing fact! What should I do?" "Well my husband, since you're a lawyer, I know I gonna get screwed."
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The mother is concerned about her 17-year-old daughter Shirly. The doctor says, " teenagers today are very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in a rebellious Daughter." He then tells her, "Arrange for your daughter to be started with birth control and until then, talk with her. give her this box of condoms."
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The Homeless man is pushed himself straight against the entrance door of a Tenements building that is padlocked. Your guess is best!
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The Elderly couple are sitting on their porch swing. She says, "I want a Banana split with Chocolate, nuts, Cherries & whipped cream on it. Shall I write that down?" "No," he says.
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1ST CONTACT; ... ME; "May I touch that?" ... ALIEN; ... "That is not an erogenous zone!"
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[Papa Tiger]

Maybe we should all start to post random drivel, 2 paragraphs about twice a day. ... wait it's what just happened! ... Random ridiculous posts. ... Sure, hope this thread is fun!

Are you going over my head is a reasonable question!
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Shirly is in a hot air balloon, realizes she is lost, reduces altitude and spots a man below. She yells, "Excuse me, can you help me? I don't know where I am." Bob replies, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground." "You're between 40- and 41-degrees north latitude and between 59- and 60-degrees west longitude." "You must be an Engineer," Shirly replies. "I am, how did you know?" "Well, everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk." Bob says, "You must be in Management" "I am, but how did you know?" "Well, "you don't know where you are or where you're going." "You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air." "You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems." "The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met but now, somehow, it's my **** fault."
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A lot of Hot air is just another Atmospheric Hole of a Circle.
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The old Guy walks into the Barber shop and asks for a Shave. He tells the Barber how hard it is to shave his wrinkles old face. The barber hands him a wooden baseball and says put it in each cheek as I shave you. So later The old Guy says, "What would of happened if I had swallowed the ball." The Barber says, "Bring in back in a few days like everyone else does!"

 

[Papa Tiger]

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, "I'm Hungry," he says &started eating right away. "Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him. "I don't have to," the little boy replied. "Of course you do," his mother insisted,
"we say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house, she knows how to cook."
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[Papa Tiger]

Mr. Roberts is a witness to a crime & is called to testify in court. He's approached by the defense attorney who asks him, "Has anyone told you what to say in court?" "Yes, sir," answered Steve.
"I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?" "My Brother Carrol did, sir." "And what did he tell
you" the attorney asked accusingly? Mr. Roberts says, "My Brother, Carrol said that the lawyer would try to get me all tangled up, but if I just tell the truth, what I have witnessed, everything
would be all right." ... .... ...... .......

 

[Papa Tiger]

I went upstairs, and a nice long shower, washed my hair, blow dried my toes, pulled on some great Sox, got into blue jeans and shirt, pulled on my boots an went fishing after I opened my water bill !

 

[Papa Tiger]

The inexpensive way to replace the Gym costs! An exercise for people who are out of shape:

Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides,
hold them there for a full minute, and then relax.

After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
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[Papa Tiger]

Employer: "We need someone responsible for this job."

Applicant: "Sir your search ends here!" "In my previous job whenever something went wrong,
everybody said I was responsible."

 

[Papa Tiger]

Husband and wife were waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of your STICK, we'd be riding the bus..! so shut up !!
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I had to pause for 5 minutes & think about that advice by the side of a busy highway.

 

[Papa Tiger]

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