Oil Changes 101 by Blackstone Labs ?

[OHJeeper]

So, I was browsing the Blackstone site and came across this post. Hilarious (and accurate):

https://www.blackstone-labs.com/information/sampling-procedures/oil-changes-101/

How to Change Your Oil

1. Look out window. Determine that today is the day because it’s supposed to rain all next week and you’re already a thousand miles past when you should have done it. Be sure it’s nice and windy out.
2. Contemplate changing into old clothes. Reject this idea, reasoning that you’ve done this many times before and can easily accomplish the job without getting oil on yourself.
3. Cover entire driveway in cardboard, just in case you spill a few drops.
4. Prepare to drive onto ramps. Remember how much you hate this part. Then go for it! Pull car halfway onto ramps and brake suddenly for fear of shooting over the top. Realize you didn’t go far enough. Go back down. Try again. Repeat, making horrible screeching sounds as the ramps scrape over the driveway, until your neighbors start walking by to find out what the hell is going on. Finally succeed in getting up on the ramps. Turn off the car and set the parking brake. No one’s getting crushed today! Pat self on back.
5. Crawl under car. Be sure to properly judge where the catch pan should be in order to actually catch the oil. An important consideration is the wind. Ensure that the wind is able to lift the cardboard, moving the catch pan around. (A secondary benefit to a windy day is the opportunity for your roll of paper towels to completely unspool as it blows away.)
6. Notice you brought the wrong wrench. Get back out from under car and get a crescent wrench to ensure the drain plug corners get rounded off. Crawl back under car to begin process.
7. Be very careful to push against the bolt as you begin to loosen it to prevent the oil from gushing out, and to keep the nut from falling into the pan. As hot oil begins to flow down your arm, remember that this never, ever works the way it’s supposed to.
8. It should be windy enough that as oil stream begins to slow, the wind can splatter oil into your face and onto the places where the cardboard is no longer covering the driveway.
9. When the oil is almost completely drained from the pan, remember that you forgot the sample container. Swear loudly as you crack your head on the bottom of the car in the rush to scramble out and get the oil sampling kit.
10. Set bottle aside and let remaining oil finish draining from the pan. While searching for drain plug, knock bottle over, spilling sample. More swearing is in order.
11. Time to change the filter. As you retrieve your new, cheap oil filter wrench from the workbench, recall tightening the hell out of the filter last time. Begin removing filter. Then try again as the wrench slides freely around the filter base. Repeat until you are again swearing loudly. Retrieve screwdriver and pound through the side of the filter, wrenching it off the bolt.
12. Frantically try and unscrew the filter as the oil drains out. Watch as oil crawls along the sub frame and drips everywhere but the pan and cardboard.
13. Crawl back out from under the car to retrieve new filter, which is still on the workbench. Crawl back under car for the sixth time. Install new filter. You’re done!
14. Rest your poor neck muscles. Remember that you could pay the dealer $125 to do the job competently. But then you wouldn’t get to experience the therapeutic sensation of hot oil running down your forearm and onto your sleeve, or what happens when you start refilling with new oil before remembering that the drain plug is still in your pocket.
15. Alternate version: Check out our video on taking a sample during an oil change.

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[GeneralMaximus]

As I read through that, I imagined Mr. Bean doing the oil change. And I will admit, I’ve had some of those moments happen to me too. Sometimes learn the hard way.

 

[Redleg37]

I changed my oil this weekend. I add a step. Complain about how hard it is to remove the drain bolt and then realize you are turning it the wrong way.

I used to have a job where I developed muscle memory screwing on reverse threaded things and I can never remember which way to turn a bolt now.

Lefty Loosey Righty Tighty doesn't work for me anymore. I've found I need to go European and think clockwise/anti-clockwise.

 

[ecidiego]

. Remember that you could pay the dealer $125 to do the job competently.

This was the funniest part.

 

[Hootbro]

Left out the part where the dog sees you laying on the ground and thinks it is play time and wants to "help".

 

[Volt0]

That’s a great read, brings back memories of changing oil as a kid. No cardboard, just straight gravel or itchy grass, and with mosquitoes in the face as soon as you get oil on your hands. Oh - and the careful positioning to avoid having the dirt fall directly on your face, for a second time. Fwiw, some people have dogs that like to run off with tools, and let’s not forget those cats that like to get under there and rub on everything.

 

[Rahkmalla]

this is wildly inaccurate. It completely skips over the part where I can't find the right sockets, despite the fact that I keep a separate tool kit with tools only for oil changes that I don't use for anything else. Or that time when upon losing my oil change socket and also didn't have that size in my main set i tried using a sister imperial size and fucked up the drain plug and had to drive my father in law's GC to the dealership 5 minutes before they closed on a Saturday to get a new one so I had a vehicle to drive to work Monday morning.

 

[ShadowsPapa]

I changed my oil this weekend. I add a step. Complain about how hard it is to remove the drain bolt and then realize you are turning it the wrong way.

I used to have a job where I developed muscle memory screwing on reverse threaded things and I can never remember which way to turn a bolt now.

Lefty Loosey Righty Tighty doesn't work for me anymore. I've found I need to go European and think clockwise/anti-clockwise.

Remember the days of the reverse threaded lug nuts? One side of some cars had left hand thread the other side right hand thread, then you get to another car, maybe same model but different year or whatever, and you are all messed up from the last one.

 

[ShadowsPapa]

this is wildly inaccurate. It completely skips over the part where I can't find the right sockets, despite the fact that I keep a separate tool kit with tools only for oil changes that I don't use for anything else. Or that time when upon losing my oil change socket and also didn't have that size in my main set i tried using a sister imperial size and fucked up the drain plug and had to drive my father in law's GC to the dealership 5 minutes before they closed on a Saturday to get a new one so I had a vehicle to drive to work Monday morning.

We'd all be screwed if that drain plug required a 10mm ..................

 

[DADDI8R]

Add to all of that being 50 years old with arthritic knees and 50 lbs overweight! Yep, that's me, the beached whale rolling around in the driveway. LOL

 

[HMCOBob]

Alternate Oil Changing Instructions:

Wife:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check for $59.95 and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Us
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, Oil Dri, hand cleaner and
a pine scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in
a hole in the back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up burned area on arm and apply Vaseline.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Have another Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw Oil Dri on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Get a Beer. - No, can't, drank it all yesterday.
21. The job can wait while you,.... Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on underbody protection in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob,
leaving behind a black mess that you can't see though.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Have a Beer.
34. Have another Beer.
35. Dump in additional 5 quarts of oil.
36. You really need a Beer now, to celebrate a job well done.
37. Lower truck from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
39. Back truck up to apply more Oil Dri to oil spilled during step 23.
40. Now, have your wife drive car to car-wash to steam clean the oily mess you left under the
hood. You are too drunk to drive, but the oil change is complete.

So, Celebrate, have another Beer

 

[Alan_Hepburn]

Remember the days of the reverse threaded lug nuts?

My '64 Dodge 330 had the reverse threaded lug nuts - their reasoning: with the reverse threading when the car is moving down the highway the centrifugal force on the lug nuts would tend to tighten them rather than loosening them.

 

[rr11]

I love this, reminds me of when my then 16 year old son decided to surprise me and change the oil in my 74 CJ 5 (1986). He tightened the oil filter so tight it was almost impossible to remove. Drove the screwdriver through it and the can ripped. Had to use a chisel on the base of the filter.

 

[jeepers29]

Add to all of that being 50 years old with arthritic knees and 50 lbs overweight! Yep, that's me, the beached whale rolling around in the driveway. LOL

You are not alone my friend.

 

[ShadowsPapa]

Add to all of that being 50 years old with arthritic knees and 50 lbs overweight! Yep, that's me, the beached whale rolling around in the driveway. LOL

Hey, I resemble that remark! (changing two stats - age to 67, over-weight by 25 (well, that's what I tell my wife, anyway.......)
the only thing that used to get me stuck under a vehicle was when my hair got caught in creeper wheels - now I have to suck in the gut (not enough hair to get tangled in things)

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